It’s not easy for me to talk about this but I’ll try… Maybe typing it here will make it easier to lower the demotivation and voices in the back of my head.
I wasn’t too excited to take this course knowing that there was a lot of… erm… performing involved. But I did some thinking during summer and I decided to overcome everything that was holding me back (e.g. let’s call it Stage Fright) . I took this new found courage and ran with it. This gave me enough (forced) excitement to register the course and enjoy the first few weeks.
To be completely honest I was kind of excited for it because it was an opportunity to act out some of my favorite monologues from movies. But I was scared that I’d ruin them and look stupid.
I settled for the Doctor from the play 9 parts of Desire. I took the script and practiced a few times at home in front of a mirror. I found it easy whispering the lines to myself , trying to add some emotion to them. I memorized key word and tried to recite them to myself.
When rehearsal days came, I failed epic-ally. Somehow, saying the lines out loud and acting them out at the same time was incredibly difficult, plus the 6 pairs of eyes that looked at me were nerve racking.
I went back home and worked on the parts that I messed up in. I thought I fixed them and that I was okay. I sucked it up and went first on Recording day.
My mind kept checking out, I’d freeze and forget what to do. I wasn’t prepared for all the lights and cameras. I wasn’t prepared to have people watch me and form opinions about me (even if they were good ones). I forgot lines and queues. I felt my heart beating in my stomach and limbs. My timing was sloppy, I was looking all over the place, I wasn’t consistent. I was scared. I realized I failed the character, I badly played the part.
There’s no doubt that I could have done a better job, and I could have properly memorized my line, and practiced a few extra times but that’s what what fear does… it hold you back. To me this is a great milestone. At the end of the day it was a step to overcoming a horrid mind set… It was a very failed small step but a step nonetheless.
Image : http://images.bwog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/mccuneillustration_vmonologues.jpg